Two months ago, Saturday morning, I found myself in bed feeling drowsy and lazy. I thought I was just sleepy but it was almost 9 in the morning. I needed to get up because my kids were already up and they wanted breakfast. Two more weeks, my husband was leaving for deployment and I already settled up my goals for the time he's gone. My plans were going to school full time, staying with my part time job and will have lots of fun with my 2 kids. Suddenly that day, he was teasing me about having a baby while he's gone. I thought to myself, not a bad idea at all, but wait, I can't have another child until I'm done with school. I told him million times that I will finish school first before another baby.
However, my feelings that day didn't change. In fact, it got worst. I was hungry, I mean not just hungry but I was starving to death. I already ate all the left overs in the fridge. So, I stopped and said to myself that maybe I am pregnant. I went to the store and grabbed the cheapest pregnancy test that they have in that store. I went home and ta-dah------ the test was positive. I was about to faint. I really didn't know if I was going to laugh or cry. Sadly to say, I was scared instead of excited. To tell you the truth, I wasn't prepared for another baby because one, my husband was leaving me in about 2 weeks for a year and having 2 children without him already scares me and financially, we don't have a budget for another baby. Also, I am in the middle of my schooling and I didn't want to ruin my plans. Besides I am having fun with my studies.
So, that was two months ago, that was me, a selfish, self-centered human being. Because of what I did, I lost my baby that until now, I just can't forgive myself on loosing my little angel. People said there is a purpose on why this thing happened and yes, they are right. I need an adversary to put my feet back on the ground.
However, my feelings that day didn't change. In fact, it got worst. I was hungry, I mean not just hungry but I was starving to death. I already ate all the left overs in the fridge. So, I stopped and said to myself that maybe I am pregnant. I went to the store and grabbed the cheapest pregnancy test that they have in that store. I went home and ta-dah------ the test was positive. I was about to faint. I really didn't know if I was going to laugh or cry. Sadly to say, I was scared instead of excited. To tell you the truth, I wasn't prepared for another baby because one, my husband was leaving me in about 2 weeks for a year and having 2 children without him already scares me and financially, we don't have a budget for another baby. Also, I am in the middle of my schooling and I didn't want to ruin my plans. Besides I am having fun with my studies.
So, that was two months ago, that was me, a selfish, self-centered human being. Because of what I did, I lost my baby that until now, I just can't forgive myself on loosing my little angel. People said there is a purpose on why this thing happened and yes, they are right. I need an adversary to put my feet back on the ground.
This was Max. I lost him June 16, 2009. I was low on progesterone level that was why I lost him.
This is me now, lonely as I ever could be. I am hoping to recover soon because the world is waiting on me. There are many things on my list that I need to finish.
And these 2 kids are my biggest helpers. They make my day better while their daddy is away from us. They make me see the hands of God through their eyes and their smiles.
I am grateful that families can be together forever that someday I will get chance to see my unborn child (named Max) and to be with him forever, and I am grateful for my adversaries.
Good bye, Max.
2 comments:
oh, my sweet Rhoda. I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you are feeling. I had the same thoughts when I found out I was unexpectedly expecting a baby. I cried and didn't feel joy over it for many weeks. Then 16 weeks in, our baby's heartbeat stopped.
It's taken me awhile to learn from the experience, but I know that a miscarriage is not our Heavenly Fathers way of punishing us. Let a miscarriage be a way of reminding you how precious each baby is, no matter our time frame or financial status.
Enjoy your little kiddos. They seem to get us through some of the hardest times, huh. Know that I am thinking of you and wishing the very best for you.
mahal na mahal kita, kaibigan!
I agree with Lindsey, God doesn't punish us, he doesn't want us to hurt. That happens because we are on this earth and because we are human. You didn't cause this baby to miscarry!! Put your faith in the Lord, know that Jesus also knows exactly how you feel and that he LOVES you endlessly. Take it day at a time and you will make it through. I love you friend and will keep you in my prayers!
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